Lesson 2: Changing Focus

 
     In the torrent of emotions that come with a miscarriage or fertility struggle, our focus can become skewed. I know saying this won't win me any popularity contests, but the truth is that we too often become very self-absorbed. This realization hit me hard one day, after a close friend became pregnant. I found myself wanting to be pitied and cajoled. I expected, and even wanted her to feel ashamed that she could get pregnant and I could not. I, of all people, should have understood her joy and rejoiced with her, but I was too focused on my own situation to be the friend she needed me to be.

    The Holy Spirit used this incident to open my eyes to my own selfishness. It was His grace that gave me the opportunity to see myself objectively, through the eyes of those around me-- and what I saw turned my stomach. I had become bitter, brooding, and easily injured. I had become a person that thrived off pity and actively sought it out in my relationships with others—the kind of person that always had to have the upper hand when it came to who was suffering the most. Then came the apex to my selfishness: I was so obsessed with my own suffering that I found myself secretly wishing she would miscarry so that she could be as miserable as I was. How far had my own self-obsession come that I could find comfort in others' tragedy?

    I was (and still am) ashamed and humiliated to think that I allowed infertility to change me into such a person. I had become the kind of person I usually tried to avoid. Had people noticed my attitude? Had they been avoiding my company? Had I become the person everyone dreads talking to, the notoriously negative woman?

     I had allowed my heart to become so calloused that I was wishing evil upon those who were supposed to be my friends. Writing that down is difficult. It's embarrassing to admit just how absorbed I had become with my pain, but anytime we take our focus off God and turn it to our circumstances, we find ourselves becoming a person we never thought we could become.


"Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had."
Philippians 2:4,5


    It is difficult to keep our gaze where it should be during any trial or tribulation, but to pull our attention away from our Creator and focus it squarely on ourselves is spiritual (and relational) suicide. How do we change, though? How do we keep our focus right when we are in such a personally tragic situation? It is not easy. I won't pretend that it is, but it is necessary.


There are a few things I learned through my own struggle with this issue:

1. Being consumed with infertility or miscarriage isn't going to change it.

            The Bible asks an important question in Luke 12:25- Can all your worrying and obsessing add even a single moment to your life? No, but studies have shown that it can take them away. Worry is futile. It is useless. Constantly obsessing over your situation has no effect on the situation itself, but it does have destructive effects on you. It changes you into someone you never intended to become, stripping you of joy, peace, and contentment. Worry is sin, and it is an expression of selfishness. It is a declaration of your mistrust of everyone but yourself. More importantly, it is the assertion that God is a failure and a liar.

            You probably read that last sentence and thought "I would never say that", but if you have allowed yourself to become consumed with circumstances beyond your physical control, then you already have said it. I could go more in depth, but this is an area you need to search out for yourself.


2. God is the only one who can change your circumstance.

            He is capable of anything. We are so quick to put our confidence in those with limited control (i.e. doctors) but reluctant to turn it over to the One who controls the universe itself. I am not preaching against seeing doctors, I am simply reminding you of Who gave the doctors their wisdom in the first place. He is the source of all knowledge and power. He alone has the words of life, to whom else could we go? Is anything too hard for the Lord? (Genesis 18:14)

3. Your life is about more than having a baby.

            Though it doesn't feel that way now. I've told you this before, and I'm going to repeat it because it is so vitally important: Infertility is not your identity. It is not who you are or what you are. You are a vessel unto God, created to give Him glory and praise, and to accomplish the purpose for which you were called. If you are paralyzed by your desire to have a baby, how can you accomplish anything for God? Do you think having a child is your sole purpose in this life; that is the only reason God created you? Yes, God calls us to be fruitful and multiply, but that applies to our spiritual progeny even more than it does to our physical ones. I understand the burning desire to hold your own child in your arms, and it is not necessarily a bad one, but when it overpowers your desire to serve God and accomplish His will for your life, it becomes idolatry. That's a tough pill to swallow, but it is the truth. Anything that takes precedence over our desire to serve God is an idol in our lives. When I finally realized this, I literally felt a weight lifted from me. God had called me to more than pining for a baby. He had called me to reach out to the hurting, to spread the news of His love and mercy to those who desperately needed to hear it. When I finally realigned myself to His will, I felt a joy and peace I had not felt in many years. My soul was fulfilled because it was accomplishing what is was created to accomplish. You will never feel fulfilled until you live your life in search of His purpose.

            I still want a baby, but more than that, I want to accomplish what I was meant to accomplish. Consider this: you were created to fulfill a specific role in the earth that no one before or after you can fulfill. Do you get that? Do you understand the implications of that fact? That means that if you do not fulfill the destiny God assigned to you and you alone, it will go unfulfilled. Is that a chance you are willing to take? The world desperately needs you and the gifts God has placed inside of you. I once heard a man of God say that you will not be judged by what you did, but by what you failed to do that you were meant to. You only get one chance at this life, how do you want to spend it?


"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:4-8

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory." Romans 8:28-30


4. God is all that can satisfy your longing.

            Satan and our own flesh try so hard to promise fulfillment in anything but God. We enter this world realizing that there is a piece of us missing and most spend their entire life trying to find it. We search for it in relationships, financial gain, and, for some of us, in motherhood. That is why we become so consumed with our desire to have a child—because we feel we need it to be whole. We become convinced that it is what will fill the void we have discovered in our heart. Here are the facts: that void, that emptiness, that feeling of being incomplete, those are all there for one specific reason. There is a part of all humanity that was left void by sin. Some have described it as a "God-shaped hole". However you choose to look at it, it is a void that only God can fill, and Satan has made it his mission to get you to fill it with anything else. The desire to be a mother is a God-given desire, but when it overwhelms your desire for God it becomes toxic. The truth is, even if you get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby, those feelings of emptiness will eventually return. What results is frustration and bitterness—directed at your own child, because she cannot fulfill the expectations you have placed on her.

         I experienced this first hand after we adopted our daughter, Isabella. I was certain that her presence in my life would soothe that nagging emptiness I had felt. For a time, it did, but it was not long before I felt it returning. Suddenly, she wasn't enough. I needed more. I began to get frustrated with her as an expression of my disappointment in her inability to fulfill my longing. I had placed such a heavy burden on someone so little. I had set an expectation that she was incapable of fulfilling—that any child was incapable of fulfilling. I expected her to be for me what only God could be, and when she couldn't, began to take out my discontent on her. It was an injustice to her. In His mercy, God opened my eyes to what was going on. Had He not, I feel certain that I would done serious, though unintentional, damage to the precious life God had entrusted to me. A child cannot fill the emptiness you feel, even if you think that emptiness is because you don't have one. The day I finally understood this, I wept. Only God could completely fulfill me, and He has. He was a perfect fit.


"There are three things that are never satisfied— no, four that never say, "Enough!": the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire." Proverbs 30:15-16


"Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again.
But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life." John 4:13-14


"When you open your hand, you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing." Psalms 145:16


5. You need to find contentment in where you are now.

        This truth is closely related to number four, but it is important enough to make it its own point. If your days are spent dreaming of a child, obsessing over which medication you could try next, or which procedure might work for you, you will find it difficult to feel content. Not just difficult, impossible. Feelings of discontent add further frustration to an already frustrating situation. Once you surrender to the fact that your emptiness can only be satisfied by God, you will begin to find contentment in who you are, and what you already have. Take a moment to stop and think about all that you've already been blessed with—family, husband, home, close friends—whatever you have, rejoice in it, and in the fact that the Creator of the universe has called you His own. Children will eventually grow up and leave, but your relationship with your God will remain long after the kids are gone. If your relationship with Him is your focus, you will find contentment. Not contentment to stay put, but contentment in the fact that He is all you need to be satisfied. Learn to say, like the apostle Paul, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Philippians 4:11).


"Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can't take anything with us when we leave it." I Timothy 6:6-7


"…be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, 'I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.'" Hebrews 13:5


       
 1. In what ways has infertility caused you to be selfish?

2. Do you recognize this tendency in the way you relate with others? Give examples.

3. Have you ever sought tragedy for another to find comfort for yourself?

4. Why is maintaining a right focus so vitally important? What does a right focus look like?


Matthew 14:22-32 tells the story of what happened when Peter and the other disciples took their focus off Jesus and placed it instead on their circumstances. Let's look at this story in detail.
Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.

         Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!"

         But Jesus spoke to them at once. "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage. I am here!"
Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water."
"Yes, come," Jesus said.

          So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?"

        When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed.
Matthew 14:22-32


Verse 22 tells us that the disciples got into a boat and separated themselves from Jesus. After Jesus performed the miracle of feeding the five thousand, John tells us (John 6:15) that the crowds intended to force Jesus to be their king. They did not understand Jesus' mission at all. They saw him only as a means of escaping their circumstance of oppressive Roman rule. The disciples were likely caught up in the excitement of the crowd and shared their ideas. This is still early in Jesus' ministry, and the disciples still did not understand His purpose. Instead, they were trying to make him into what they wanted Him to be. Seeing that the disciples were siding with the crowd, it is possible that Jesus had them get into the boat to separate them from the zealous intentions of the Jews.
The disciples were trying to make Jesus fit into their life, instead of conforming themselves to His. As a result, they are separated from Him and choose to go on alone. We too separate ourselves from God when we refuse to submit to Him. When we become caught up in our emotions rather than listening to God's voice, we often find ourselves becoming separated, not only from Him, but from those around us as well.

    Once the disciples were in the boat, Jesus went off on His own to pray. The Bible mentions that while He was there, night fell. This seemed like a fitting image to me of what our lives are like when we separate ourselves from the Light of the World. Darkness is often a picture in the Bible of a life without God's presence.

    Now that the disciples were separated from Jesus, they find themselves in trouble. A storm arose at sea and was threatening to destroy them. They are left vulnerable and being attacked on every side. Mark (6:48) states that they were straining against the oars, fighting against the onslaught of the wind and waves, but with no way out.

    When the disciples stepped away from Jesus' protection, they left themselves vulnerable. We can think of the wind and waves as Satan's attacks against us. When we step out from under the protection of God, we leave ourselves open to Satan's attacks. Like the disciples we find ourselves caught in the middle of the storm with no way of escape. It seems like a hopeless situation.
Jesus, knowing that the disciples were in trouble, comes to them, walking on the water itself. The first thing to take away from this is that Jesus recognized their need and their helplessness. He saw their struggle and their weariness, and knew they couldn't prevail on their own. Second, realizing they are without hope, Jesus comes to them. He doesn't wait for them to fight their way back to Him, He comes to them. Jesus always meets us at our point of need. Third, he comes to them walking on the water, demonstrating that He is greater than anything that would come against us. Though they threatened the disciples very existence, the wind and waves could not keep Jesus from coming to their aid. Last, it is interesting to note that Jesus came to them during the "fourth watch", sometime between 3:00 AM and 6:00 AM, right before the dawn. In the Bible, night is a symbol of troubled times, or times of fear and despair. Dawn, on the other hand, is a symbol for a new beginning or deliverance.

    The disciples, caught up in their fear of their circumstances, do not recognize their Lord. They think He is a ghost, another illusion of false hope. When we are focused on our circumstances, we can often fail to recognize the help that is right in front of us.

    Jesus speaks comfort to them, telling them that He has come to set everything right and rescue them from their situation. Three simple words, "I am here" meant the turning point in the storm, deliverance from destruction, and hope in a hopeless situation. He needed no explanation of why they should trust Him. He had already calmed the seas once before (Matthew 8:23-27), proving then that "even the winds and waves obey Him". There was no need for Him to explain why they shouldn't be afraid, the explanation was in the word "I"—just as God told Moses to tell the Israelites "I AM" had sent him. The proof of God's power is in the very fact of who He is. God had come to save them, without a resume, or a long list of previous miracles. He had saved them once and He would save them again.

    Peter, realizing it was His savior, calls out to Jesus, asking Him to permit Him to come. Even though Peter says "if it's really you", he knew it was Jesus. Had he not believed, he never would have stepped out of the boat. Perhaps what Peter was really asking was "if it really is You—if You really are I AM—what else do I have to fear". Maybe this was when Peter truly realized that Jesus was God, for it was after this event that we see Peter's confession of Jesus as God's Son (Matthew 16:13-20).

    Jesus tells Peter to join Him, inviting him to share the same power He had by conquering the storm. Peter steps out of the boat and onto the water, His eyes on Jesus as he went towards Him. Jesus is offering Peter the authority to overcome all that was against him. Until now, Peter was trusting in the work of man (namely, the boat) and his own strength (rowing against the waves) to deliver him. By stepping out of the boat, he is signifying his faith in Jesus as the only deliverer. As he maintains his focus on Him, he retains control over his circumstances.

    Just as Peter seems to have realigned his focus, the storm begins to rage around Him, and his gaze is taken from Jesus and placed on His situation. Satan wasn't through. Sensing he was about to be defeated, he throws his all at Peter, and manages to capture his attention again. With his focus on his situation instead of on his Savior, Peter begins to lost control and sink into despair. When we are going through trying situations, our only way of escape is by putting out trust in God, and keeping our eyes upon Him. Had Peter kept his focus on God, he would have conquered his circumstances.
Immediately, Jesus reaches down and takes Peter's hand and pulls him back up. Verse 30 says Peter was just beginning to sink when he cried out to Jesus, and Jesus immediately takes his hand. God comes to us as soon as we cry out to Him, and, like Jesus was, he is right there, waiting. He doesn't wait around for awhile, leaving us to flounder and sputter around until we've learned our lesson. He rescues us immediately. Then, Jesus reminds Peter why it is he sank—he doubted God's sovereignty. He was afraid of the waved when the One who created the seas was standing there with him, beckoning him to rest in His protection.
   
   
In the above story, how can you personally relate to the following events:


1. The disciples get into the boat without Jesus.

2. A storm arose, threatening to destroy them.

3. Jesus comes to them, walking on the water.

4. Jesus simply answers, "I am here".

5. Peter steps out of the boat at Jesus' invitation.

6. Peter loses focus and begins to sink.

7. Jesus immediately pulls him out of the water.


THIS WEEK…


Review points 1-5 and journal your feelings about each one. Look up the key words or ideas in a concordance or on the internet and see what else you can find about each topic.


1. Being consumed with infertility or miscarriage isn't going to change it.


2. God is the only One who can change your circumstance.


3. Your life is about more than having a baby.


4. God is all that can satisfy your longing.


5. You need to find contentment in where you are now.


Which of these points provided you with the greatest revelation this week?


Carefully consider your relationships. Has selfishness because of infertility affected any of your relationships in a negative way? Be honest, and ask the Holy Spirit to show you. Write down the names of those you come up with and in what way you have wronged them. The purpose of this exercise is not to beat you up, but to help you come face to face with the devastating effects of obsession with anything but God, in order to realign your focus. 

Now that you have identified those that you may have hurt, take steps to make it right with them. Start with those closest to you—most likely your husband is number one—and work your way through. Ask God to help you and He promises that He will.