Lesson 3: Anger and Bitterness

ANGER AND BITTERNESS

                Anger is a natural part of our human existence. We’re angered when things don’t go our way or when we feel we’ve been treated unfairly. We’re frustrated when we strive to achieve a goal that seems just out of our reach. Women who live through infertility and miscarriage walk through a cycle of emotions, but probably the most powerful is anger.
                When it began to be apparent that conception was not going to be an easily achieved goal, I began looking for someone to blame. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was my husband, but most frequently, it was God. As with most problems in life, it is easier to be angry at their existence than to do what’s necessary to address them. There were times I remember sitting on the bed, rocking back and forth, burning tears streaming down my face, screaming: “I hate myself.” And I did. I hated this body, this feeble, dysfunctional body I was inhabiting. I was angry at my inability to control my own circumstances. I was angry at myself for wanting a child in the first place.
                Sometimes it was my husband that felt the brunt of my anger. If he could just be a better sexual partner, perhaps our chances of conception would be greater. It seemed to me sometimes that he just didn’t share the same desires as I did; that having a child wasn’t that important to him. And I was angry that he didn’t seem to be suffering as much as I was.
                Most of the anger I felt was directed at God. I had good reason, I thought. He was the one who created me. He was the one who gave me the desire to be a mother. He was the only one who could do anything about my situation, and He seemed to be sitting on His hands. This anger intensified after my second miscarriage. The day I found out that the pregnancy was failing, I attended a prayer meeting service at our church. Many  men and women of God were there—people who were known as effective prayer warriors—and they prayed over me and my child, imploring God to intervene and calling forth life within the tiny embryo that was struggling within me. I left in full confidence that I was about to witness a miracle.
                But days later, I left the OBGYN’s office in a flood of confusion, and anguish. My pregnancy, the one I had waited so many years for, was over. There was not even a trace of the tiny mass of life that had so quickly sprung into existence and faded away.
                I had been betrayed. My anger burned so hot that I could feel it’s warmth rising up into my face and expressing itself in my tears. I had trusted God for a miracle and none had come. We wrestled with one another for days. I knew in the midst of it He was trying to speak to my heart but my ears were closed. What could He possibly say that could atone for this breach of trust between us?
                 It is important that I mention one thing: I tell this story as it was. It is tempting to sugarcoat it, to gloss over the uglier parts of my bitterness towards my Creator, but that wouldn’t do you or I any good. I do not condone my attitude during this time, but I also know that many of you reading this have wrestled with these same thoughts and feelings. They are situations we hesitate to mention in our Christian circles because we are afraid of how we will be perceived, so we go about pretending that we don’t fight them until one day they consume us. The truth is that we are reactive creatures who too often find ourselves in a volatile situation. The head knows that God is good, but the heart is easily affected.

                                "Is God's comfort too little for you? Is his gentle word not enough? What has taken away your reason? What has weakened your vision, that you turn against God and say all these evil things?”                                                      Job 15:11-13

                Days later, after the initial shock had worn down to a dull ache, my heart began to open itself up to negotiations. I felt empty, unsettled, and unsure. There was a song that kept bringing itself to memory during that time:

Hide me now under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand.
Find rest my soul in Christ alone
Know his power in quietness and trust.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are king over the flood.
I will be still and know you are God.

The very one I felt had betrayed me was also the only one I knew could comfort me.
His heart was grieving with mine.                

                                “Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.’"     John 6:67-68

                God was asking me: “Are you going to turn your back on Me?”  Lord, to whom would I go? That thought struck me with such power that I began to weep. He alone had the words of life. Anywhere else I would find only more death and devastation, nothing but hopelessness when I was so desperate for something to believe in.
                God was not the author of my despair. He hadn’t given me what my heart was so desperate for only to snatch it away in some cruel test of my affection. My anger was directed at the very one Who most intimately understood and shared my pain. It was like the pain He feels when one of His creation slips away into an eternity of darkness. He never had the chance to hold them in His arms and tell them just how much He loved them.
                He could identify with my loss.

1. Have you experienced feelings of anger in connection to your experiences?


2. At whom was your anger directed and why?


3. Have you ever felt betrayed by God? What led to those feelings?

                 Unresolved anger will eventually cool into bitterness. A bitter person is one with few friends. They lash out at anyone and everyone from the depth of their misery. They live a joyless and wretched life that dwells constantly in past hurts. You may have known someone during your lifetime that was consumed by bitterness. Such a person constructs walls around themselves and refuses to let anyone in. A bitter person is selfish, inconsiderate of others, withdrawn from society, irrational, and indifferent towards everyone.                      

                “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can fully share its joy.”
Proverbs 14:10

               "I cannot keep from speaking. I must express my anguish. My bitter soul must complain.” Job 7:11

               "I am disgusted with my life. Let me complain freely. My bitter soul must complain.”
Job 10:1

              “Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Hebrews 12:15

 

                These verses represent a snapshot of what bitterness looks like in a person. Once the root of bitterness takes hold, it is difficult to remove it.
                Bitterness destroys a person’s relationship with God. It makes them unable to accept His unconditional love for them, and makes them unable to love Him in return. Ray Burke, in his book Anger--Diffusing the Bomb, says that each time he counseled those who doubted God's love for them, he discovered that somewhere along the line they harbored bitterness against God, themselves or someone else. When this bitterness was finally dealt with and resolved, their ability to accept God's love and forgiveness was restored.

                Bitterness is not only damaging to us spiritually, but it also affects our physical and mental health. In the book None of these Diseases, S. I. McMillan says, “anger, unhandled, will show itself in at least 50 diseases." Dr. Norman Wright, a Christian professor of psychology at Biola University, also attests to this fact. God has constructed us, he says, with a tube about 30 feet long that begins at our throat and runs to our rectum. That long tube, disturbed by bitterness and anger, produces things like colitis, diarrhea and ulcers. When we are angry and do not handle it properly, there are physical consequences.
                A biblical example of bitterness is played out in the life of Naomi, the mother-in-law of Ruth. It is interesting to note that her name meant “Pleasant”.  Naomi’s story is similar in many ways to our own. She suffered the loss of those she held most dear. After moving to a strange land from her homeland, Israel, with her husband and two sons, she was in the tragic position to witness the deaths of all three within ten years. The book of Ruth records her comments to her daughter-in-laws, revealing the target of her anger:

                                “Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.”                                                 Ruth 1:13b

                Naomi was a woman obsessed with her tragedy. All three women were in the same position. They had all lost those dear to them, yet Naomi’s bitterness had so overwhelmed her that she felt the need to compare her suffering with those around her.
               
                                "’Don't call me Naomi,’ she responded. ’Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?"                                                         Ruth 1: 20-21

                God had become the author of her pain and the object of her anger. God had taken away her husband and her sons, and she held it against Him. Five times in these three verses she held God accountable for her bitterness. She was so bitter, in fact, that she even changed her name to mean “Bitter”. This is an important picture of the effect bitterness has on a life. It changed Naomi so drastically that even her very identity was altered.
               
                Bitterness is our obsession with our own hurt. It is choosing to live in a state of pain for the rest of our lives instead of seeking out the joy and peace God desires for us. Looking at it that way, it seems absurd that anyone would choose such a fate, but some of you have done just that. I once heard that bitterness is rooted in hate, psychologically linked to the same emotion that results in murder or suicide. That is a powerful and disturbing thought. If you recognize that you are mired down in bitterness, resolve yourself now to the task of removing it from your life.
                 Let’s visit some important truths in regards to bitterness.
               
                1. First, you need to realize how vital it is that you remove bitterness from your life.
                                It’s already been said: bitterness destroys lives. It destroys marriages and it destroys families. But, bitterness is also comfortable. It becomes familiar. It makes a person feel self-important and in control. This can be the most difficult part to let go of. When we’ve walked through a situation in which we had no control, the feeling of being able to control our own anger is tantalizing. It makes us feel powerful when, in fact, it is stripping us of our very life, making us weaker by the day.

                2.  God is not the author of your pain.
                                We discussed this somewhat in chapter one. God does not inflict pain into our lives as a method of testing our loyalty to Him. He doesn’t need to. The very fallen, sin-filled world we live in thrives on death and destruction, and heaps it upon every chance it gets. There are many people who would vehemently disagree with me on this point, but I reference only the very nature of God to draw this conclusion. He is good. He is love. He is light. He is a Creator, not a destroyer. He sent His own Son to bring us life. If God was the bringer of death and heartache then they would have existed in the world from the beginning. But they didn’t. They entered the scene with our Enemy, and when we invited him to stay, so, too, did they.
                                The hardest thing to deal with in any life is the question of why. Why did this terrible thing happen to me? If you don’t believe in a higher power, then your answer is simply because it is in the very nature of existence. A bleak, and hopeless outlook. But, if you do believe in the existence of an all-powerful, all-knowing Creator, your question of “why” is bound to be conflicting. If God is all-powerful then why didn’t He stop this from happening? How many times I asked that myself. I didn’t believe that God killed my baby, but I didn’t understand why He didn’t intervene when I knew He could have.
                                If I’m going to be honest with you—and I have no choice but to be—I am still searching for the answer to that question, as billions before me have done. There comes a point in life when we have to mature in our faith and accept the fact that there are some things we may never fully understand, not matter how badly we want to. This is one of those subjects. God invites us, however, to seek Him in these matters, to search out His heart and His comfort, and He promises that we will find peace in Him, with or without the answer we were looking for.

                                “‘In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord. ‘I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes.’”                                                                                                              Jeremiah 29:12-13

                                I love the end of that verse: “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes”. Bitterness certainly keeps us held captive in its grip. It keeps us from moving forward, from progressing past our hurts. Only the strength of God can set us free; and not only does he give us back our freedom, but He restores our “fortune”—the worth and value a life of bitterness strips away from us. He reminds us that we are His, and He is ours, forever.

                3. It is okay to grieve for a time.
                                I can sometimes be a little harsh, I know, so I want to take a moment, to remind both of us that grieving over our loss is not sin. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 reminds us that sorrow is an activity of a normal life here on this fallen, sinful planet.

                                For everything there is a season,
                                a time for every activity under heaven.
                                A time to be born and a time to die.
                                A time to plant and a time to harvest.
                                A time to kill and a time to heal.
                                A time to tear down and a time to build up.
                                A time to cry and a time to laugh.
                                A time to grieve and a time to dance.
                                A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
                                A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
                                A time to search and a time to quit searching.
                                A time to keep and a time to throw away.
                                A time to tear and a time to mend.
                                A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
                                A time to love and a time to hate.
                                A time for war and a time for peace.

                                Jesus himself grieved over the loss of a loved one. The shortest verse in the Bible is also one of the most powerful: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). It reminds us not only of the humanity of Jesus, but of His understanding of our need to grieve a loss.
                                Not grieving is just as unhealthy as remaining in grief. Don’t try to be “strong” and avoid your grief. This will cause many more problems for you. Understand and accept the fact that your heart needs to express its sorrow over the loss it feels before it can move on. Alternatively, if it seems that you have been grieving longer than is normal. How long is too long? Psychologists use a timeline of two months of intense grieving and up to eighteen months of active grieving for the loss of a loved one. If you have been grieving longer than this, or if you feel “stuck” in your feelings of grief, you may be having difficulty moving on. You may need to seek out a Christian counselor or other professional to help you address these issues. Find someone who will give you not just text book advice, but biblical advice as well. Within this group, I encourage you to be open and transparent, and share your heart. If you are grieving, don’t be ashamed to acknowledge it. If you are not, be ready and willing to “be a shoulder to cry on” for those who are going through the grieving process around you. You don’t necessarily have to have anything earth-moving to say, just a willingness to listen and a compassionate heart. Sharing our grief with others is important to our recovery.

                                “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.”                                                                                             Psalm 30:5
                                But just as grieving is natural, moving on is also natural—and necessary.

                4. God has given us the power to overcome the world.
                                This power is founded in the blood of Jesus, and inherited by our adoption into the family of God.

                                “For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith.”                                                                 I John 5:4

                              “Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you." Luke 10:19


                                God has given us the power to overcome the world, but we rarely exercise it. Why? Because it’s costly. It costs our flesh its indulgences. Because to exercise that authority over the world and its ravages, we must live a life devoted to God and steeped in His holiness. That’s a life that our flesh doesn’t easily surrender to, but that our spirit is longing for.

                                “My soul yearns for You in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for You.”                                                                                                      Isaiah 26:9

                                The Bible tells us that if we have faith like a mustard seed, we can move mountains. No doubt you’ve heard that many, many times, but if you are anything like me, you probably believed that it was saying: “if you believe it enough, you can do anything”. But faith is not a question of mental assent. Faith is so much more than just believing something hard enough; it’s a lifestyle. Faith is lived out every day, not just in the moment we need it. Although I really want to expound on that thought, we will reserve that for a later chapter.
               
                5. We are called to a higher calling.
                                We have been called to bring hope to a world that is perishing in hopeless darkness. How can we do the things that matter for eternity if we are preoccupied with our own hurts?

                                “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your Heavenly Father."           Matthew 5:13-16

                                I am in no way making light of the hurt that you or I have felt at a miscarriage or years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, but I am trying to remind us both that we died to this life, and that our real life is hidden with Christ (Colossians 3:3). There are people perishing all around us, in need of the hope we can give them, and we simply don’t have time to waste in bitterness and regret.

                                "For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness.”                                                                                                      Ephesians 5:8-10

                                Bitterness is truly a worthless deed of darkness. It has no place in the life of someone who has been redeemed by the shed blood of Jesus. The world desperately needs the light we have inside, but if we keep it hidden under a shroud of depression and anger, we are not going to be able to fulfill our destiny as Christians.

                              I am not asking you to forget your experience, or the desire you have to be a mother. I am asking you to remember your higher calling in it all; to temper duty with desire. I am asking you to remember that we are still in the middle of a battle and those around us need us to fight.

               
                                                                                                                               
1. Do you feel as though you have been plagued with bitterness in your own life? Are you currently holding on to bitterness? If so, what events and feelings led to it?

 

2. Have you ever known anyone who you would describe as a bitter person? Maybe even a character from a movie or book? Describe their attitude and actions, being as observant as possible.

 

3. What personal insight did you glean from the story of Naomi in Ruth chapter 1? Can you relate to her in any way?

 

4. Do you think bitterness could affect your infertility? In what way?

 

 

THIS WEEK…

Review the 5 points of bitterness and anger. Meditate on each thought and listen for what God would tell you through them. Look up additional scriptures using a concordance. Journal your thoughts and feelings, being as honest and open as you can.

First, you need to realize how vital it is that you remove bitterness from your life.

God is not the author of your pain.

It is okay to grieve for a time.

God has given us the power to overcome the world.

We are called to a higher calling.

Bitterness Research…

Conduct an internet search (or check out books) on bitterness and explore the topic for yourself, from both Christian and non-Christian viewpoints. Summarize your findings and be prepared to share what you discover.

 

 

Lesson 2: Changing Focus

 
     In the torrent of emotions that come with a miscarriage or fertility struggle, our focus can become skewed. I know saying this won't win me any popularity contests, but the truth is that we too often become very self-absorbed. This realization hit me hard one day, after a close friend became pregnant. I found myself wanting to be pitied and cajoled. I expected, and even wanted her to feel ashamed that she could get pregnant and I could not. I, of all people, should have understood her joy and rejoiced with her, but I was too focused on my own situation to be the friend she needed me to be.

    The Holy Spirit used this incident to open my eyes to my own selfishness. It was His grace that gave me the opportunity to see myself objectively, through the eyes of those around me-- and what I saw turned my stomach. I had become bitter, brooding, and easily injured. I had become a person that thrived off pity and actively sought it out in my relationships with others—the kind of person that always had to have the upper hand when it came to who was suffering the most. Then came the apex to my selfishness: I was so obsessed with my own suffering that I found myself secretly wishing she would miscarry so that she could be as miserable as I was. How far had my own self-obsession come that I could find comfort in others' tragedy?

    I was (and still am) ashamed and humiliated to think that I allowed infertility to change me into such a person. I had become the kind of person I usually tried to avoid. Had people noticed my attitude? Had they been avoiding my company? Had I become the person everyone dreads talking to, the notoriously negative woman?

     I had allowed my heart to become so calloused that I was wishing evil upon those who were supposed to be my friends. Writing that down is difficult. It's embarrassing to admit just how absorbed I had become with my pain, but anytime we take our focus off God and turn it to our circumstances, we find ourselves becoming a person we never thought we could become.


"Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had."
Philippians 2:4,5


    It is difficult to keep our gaze where it should be during any trial or tribulation, but to pull our attention away from our Creator and focus it squarely on ourselves is spiritual (and relational) suicide. How do we change, though? How do we keep our focus right when we are in such a personally tragic situation? It is not easy. I won't pretend that it is, but it is necessary.


There are a few things I learned through my own struggle with this issue:

1. Being consumed with infertility or miscarriage isn't going to change it.

            The Bible asks an important question in Luke 12:25- Can all your worrying and obsessing add even a single moment to your life? No, but studies have shown that it can take them away. Worry is futile. It is useless. Constantly obsessing over your situation has no effect on the situation itself, but it does have destructive effects on you. It changes you into someone you never intended to become, stripping you of joy, peace, and contentment. Worry is sin, and it is an expression of selfishness. It is a declaration of your mistrust of everyone but yourself. More importantly, it is the assertion that God is a failure and a liar.

            You probably read that last sentence and thought "I would never say that", but if you have allowed yourself to become consumed with circumstances beyond your physical control, then you already have said it. I could go more in depth, but this is an area you need to search out for yourself.


2. God is the only one who can change your circumstance.

            He is capable of anything. We are so quick to put our confidence in those with limited control (i.e. doctors) but reluctant to turn it over to the One who controls the universe itself. I am not preaching against seeing doctors, I am simply reminding you of Who gave the doctors their wisdom in the first place. He is the source of all knowledge and power. He alone has the words of life, to whom else could we go? Is anything too hard for the Lord? (Genesis 18:14)

3. Your life is about more than having a baby.

            Though it doesn't feel that way now. I've told you this before, and I'm going to repeat it because it is so vitally important: Infertility is not your identity. It is not who you are or what you are. You are a vessel unto God, created to give Him glory and praise, and to accomplish the purpose for which you were called. If you are paralyzed by your desire to have a baby, how can you accomplish anything for God? Do you think having a child is your sole purpose in this life; that is the only reason God created you? Yes, God calls us to be fruitful and multiply, but that applies to our spiritual progeny even more than it does to our physical ones. I understand the burning desire to hold your own child in your arms, and it is not necessarily a bad one, but when it overpowers your desire to serve God and accomplish His will for your life, it becomes idolatry. That's a tough pill to swallow, but it is the truth. Anything that takes precedence over our desire to serve God is an idol in our lives. When I finally realized this, I literally felt a weight lifted from me. God had called me to more than pining for a baby. He had called me to reach out to the hurting, to spread the news of His love and mercy to those who desperately needed to hear it. When I finally realigned myself to His will, I felt a joy and peace I had not felt in many years. My soul was fulfilled because it was accomplishing what is was created to accomplish. You will never feel fulfilled until you live your life in search of His purpose.

            I still want a baby, but more than that, I want to accomplish what I was meant to accomplish. Consider this: you were created to fulfill a specific role in the earth that no one before or after you can fulfill. Do you get that? Do you understand the implications of that fact? That means that if you do not fulfill the destiny God assigned to you and you alone, it will go unfulfilled. Is that a chance you are willing to take? The world desperately needs you and the gifts God has placed inside of you. I once heard a man of God say that you will not be judged by what you did, but by what you failed to do that you were meant to. You only get one chance at this life, how do you want to spend it?


"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:4-8

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory." Romans 8:28-30


4. God is all that can satisfy your longing.

            Satan and our own flesh try so hard to promise fulfillment in anything but God. We enter this world realizing that there is a piece of us missing and most spend their entire life trying to find it. We search for it in relationships, financial gain, and, for some of us, in motherhood. That is why we become so consumed with our desire to have a child—because we feel we need it to be whole. We become convinced that it is what will fill the void we have discovered in our heart. Here are the facts: that void, that emptiness, that feeling of being incomplete, those are all there for one specific reason. There is a part of all humanity that was left void by sin. Some have described it as a "God-shaped hole". However you choose to look at it, it is a void that only God can fill, and Satan has made it his mission to get you to fill it with anything else. The desire to be a mother is a God-given desire, but when it overwhelms your desire for God it becomes toxic. The truth is, even if you get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby, those feelings of emptiness will eventually return. What results is frustration and bitterness—directed at your own child, because she cannot fulfill the expectations you have placed on her.

         I experienced this first hand after we adopted our daughter, Isabella. I was certain that her presence in my life would soothe that nagging emptiness I had felt. For a time, it did, but it was not long before I felt it returning. Suddenly, she wasn't enough. I needed more. I began to get frustrated with her as an expression of my disappointment in her inability to fulfill my longing. I had placed such a heavy burden on someone so little. I had set an expectation that she was incapable of fulfilling—that any child was incapable of fulfilling. I expected her to be for me what only God could be, and when she couldn't, began to take out my discontent on her. It was an injustice to her. In His mercy, God opened my eyes to what was going on. Had He not, I feel certain that I would done serious, though unintentional, damage to the precious life God had entrusted to me. A child cannot fill the emptiness you feel, even if you think that emptiness is because you don't have one. The day I finally understood this, I wept. Only God could completely fulfill me, and He has. He was a perfect fit.


"There are three things that are never satisfied— no, four that never say, "Enough!": the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire." Proverbs 30:15-16


"Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again.
But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life." John 4:13-14


"When you open your hand, you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing." Psalms 145:16


5. You need to find contentment in where you are now.

        This truth is closely related to number four, but it is important enough to make it its own point. If your days are spent dreaming of a child, obsessing over which medication you could try next, or which procedure might work for you, you will find it difficult to feel content. Not just difficult, impossible. Feelings of discontent add further frustration to an already frustrating situation. Once you surrender to the fact that your emptiness can only be satisfied by God, you will begin to find contentment in who you are, and what you already have. Take a moment to stop and think about all that you've already been blessed with—family, husband, home, close friends—whatever you have, rejoice in it, and in the fact that the Creator of the universe has called you His own. Children will eventually grow up and leave, but your relationship with your God will remain long after the kids are gone. If your relationship with Him is your focus, you will find contentment. Not contentment to stay put, but contentment in the fact that He is all you need to be satisfied. Learn to say, like the apostle Paul, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Philippians 4:11).


"Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can't take anything with us when we leave it." I Timothy 6:6-7


"…be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, 'I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.'" Hebrews 13:5


       
 1. In what ways has infertility caused you to be selfish?

2. Do you recognize this tendency in the way you relate with others? Give examples.

3. Have you ever sought tragedy for another to find comfort for yourself?

4. Why is maintaining a right focus so vitally important? What does a right focus look like?


Matthew 14:22-32 tells the story of what happened when Peter and the other disciples took their focus off Jesus and placed it instead on their circumstances. Let's look at this story in detail.
Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.

         Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!"

         But Jesus spoke to them at once. "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage. I am here!"
Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water."
"Yes, come," Jesus said.

          So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?"

        When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed.
Matthew 14:22-32


Verse 22 tells us that the disciples got into a boat and separated themselves from Jesus. After Jesus performed the miracle of feeding the five thousand, John tells us (John 6:15) that the crowds intended to force Jesus to be their king. They did not understand Jesus' mission at all. They saw him only as a means of escaping their circumstance of oppressive Roman rule. The disciples were likely caught up in the excitement of the crowd and shared their ideas. This is still early in Jesus' ministry, and the disciples still did not understand His purpose. Instead, they were trying to make him into what they wanted Him to be. Seeing that the disciples were siding with the crowd, it is possible that Jesus had them get into the boat to separate them from the zealous intentions of the Jews.
The disciples were trying to make Jesus fit into their life, instead of conforming themselves to His. As a result, they are separated from Him and choose to go on alone. We too separate ourselves from God when we refuse to submit to Him. When we become caught up in our emotions rather than listening to God's voice, we often find ourselves becoming separated, not only from Him, but from those around us as well.

    Once the disciples were in the boat, Jesus went off on His own to pray. The Bible mentions that while He was there, night fell. This seemed like a fitting image to me of what our lives are like when we separate ourselves from the Light of the World. Darkness is often a picture in the Bible of a life without God's presence.

    Now that the disciples were separated from Jesus, they find themselves in trouble. A storm arose at sea and was threatening to destroy them. They are left vulnerable and being attacked on every side. Mark (6:48) states that they were straining against the oars, fighting against the onslaught of the wind and waves, but with no way out.

    When the disciples stepped away from Jesus' protection, they left themselves vulnerable. We can think of the wind and waves as Satan's attacks against us. When we step out from under the protection of God, we leave ourselves open to Satan's attacks. Like the disciples we find ourselves caught in the middle of the storm with no way of escape. It seems like a hopeless situation.
Jesus, knowing that the disciples were in trouble, comes to them, walking on the water itself. The first thing to take away from this is that Jesus recognized their need and their helplessness. He saw their struggle and their weariness, and knew they couldn't prevail on their own. Second, realizing they are without hope, Jesus comes to them. He doesn't wait for them to fight their way back to Him, He comes to them. Jesus always meets us at our point of need. Third, he comes to them walking on the water, demonstrating that He is greater than anything that would come against us. Though they threatened the disciples very existence, the wind and waves could not keep Jesus from coming to their aid. Last, it is interesting to note that Jesus came to them during the "fourth watch", sometime between 3:00 AM and 6:00 AM, right before the dawn. In the Bible, night is a symbol of troubled times, or times of fear and despair. Dawn, on the other hand, is a symbol for a new beginning or deliverance.

    The disciples, caught up in their fear of their circumstances, do not recognize their Lord. They think He is a ghost, another illusion of false hope. When we are focused on our circumstances, we can often fail to recognize the help that is right in front of us.

    Jesus speaks comfort to them, telling them that He has come to set everything right and rescue them from their situation. Three simple words, "I am here" meant the turning point in the storm, deliverance from destruction, and hope in a hopeless situation. He needed no explanation of why they should trust Him. He had already calmed the seas once before (Matthew 8:23-27), proving then that "even the winds and waves obey Him". There was no need for Him to explain why they shouldn't be afraid, the explanation was in the word "I"—just as God told Moses to tell the Israelites "I AM" had sent him. The proof of God's power is in the very fact of who He is. God had come to save them, without a resume, or a long list of previous miracles. He had saved them once and He would save them again.

    Peter, realizing it was His savior, calls out to Jesus, asking Him to permit Him to come. Even though Peter says "if it's really you", he knew it was Jesus. Had he not believed, he never would have stepped out of the boat. Perhaps what Peter was really asking was "if it really is You—if You really are I AM—what else do I have to fear". Maybe this was when Peter truly realized that Jesus was God, for it was after this event that we see Peter's confession of Jesus as God's Son (Matthew 16:13-20).

    Jesus tells Peter to join Him, inviting him to share the same power He had by conquering the storm. Peter steps out of the boat and onto the water, His eyes on Jesus as he went towards Him. Jesus is offering Peter the authority to overcome all that was against him. Until now, Peter was trusting in the work of man (namely, the boat) and his own strength (rowing against the waves) to deliver him. By stepping out of the boat, he is signifying his faith in Jesus as the only deliverer. As he maintains his focus on Him, he retains control over his circumstances.

    Just as Peter seems to have realigned his focus, the storm begins to rage around Him, and his gaze is taken from Jesus and placed on His situation. Satan wasn't through. Sensing he was about to be defeated, he throws his all at Peter, and manages to capture his attention again. With his focus on his situation instead of on his Savior, Peter begins to lost control and sink into despair. When we are going through trying situations, our only way of escape is by putting out trust in God, and keeping our eyes upon Him. Had Peter kept his focus on God, he would have conquered his circumstances.
Immediately, Jesus reaches down and takes Peter's hand and pulls him back up. Verse 30 says Peter was just beginning to sink when he cried out to Jesus, and Jesus immediately takes his hand. God comes to us as soon as we cry out to Him, and, like Jesus was, he is right there, waiting. He doesn't wait around for awhile, leaving us to flounder and sputter around until we've learned our lesson. He rescues us immediately. Then, Jesus reminds Peter why it is he sank—he doubted God's sovereignty. He was afraid of the waved when the One who created the seas was standing there with him, beckoning him to rest in His protection.
   
   
In the above story, how can you personally relate to the following events:


1. The disciples get into the boat without Jesus.

2. A storm arose, threatening to destroy them.

3. Jesus comes to them, walking on the water.

4. Jesus simply answers, "I am here".

5. Peter steps out of the boat at Jesus' invitation.

6. Peter loses focus and begins to sink.

7. Jesus immediately pulls him out of the water.


THIS WEEK…


Review points 1-5 and journal your feelings about each one. Look up the key words or ideas in a concordance or on the internet and see what else you can find about each topic.


1. Being consumed with infertility or miscarriage isn't going to change it.


2. God is the only One who can change your circumstance.


3. Your life is about more than having a baby.


4. God is all that can satisfy your longing.


5. You need to find contentment in where you are now.


Which of these points provided you with the greatest revelation this week?


Carefully consider your relationships. Has selfishness because of infertility affected any of your relationships in a negative way? Be honest, and ask the Holy Spirit to show you. Write down the names of those you come up with and in what way you have wronged them. The purpose of this exercise is not to beat you up, but to help you come face to face with the devastating effects of obsession with anything but God, in order to realign your focus. 

Now that you have identified those that you may have hurt, take steps to make it right with them. Start with those closest to you—most likely your husband is number one—and work your way through. Ask God to help you and He promises that He will.






 

Lesson 1

Lesson 1: Understanding Infertility

Like most couples, when my husband and I were first married, we excitedly made plans for our future together. Among those plans, inevitably, was when we would start our family. It was important to us even at our young age (I was 20 when we were married) that I be able to stay home and take care of the children rather than place them in daycare. We also knew that we wanted a few years to cultivate our own relationship before we added the dynamic of children. At that point, everything seemed so cut and dry—we would give it about five years, then we would have three children about two years apart. That was our perfect, fail-proof plan.

Five years came and went, and at last we determined we were financially and emotionally ready to become parents. I remember the first month we decided we were going to try to get pregnant. It was exciting. I kept thinking of what it would be like to tell my husband I was going to give him a child, to tell our parents they were going to be grandparents; I began to think about how I would decorate the nursery, what hospital I would use, which pediatrician the baby would see… all the typical things a couple starting a family think about.

I knew that first month that the chances of conceiving right away were slim. I had resigned myself to the fact that it would probably take three or four months. But as three months turned into six, then nine, then a year, I began to feel the first twinges of despair.

 When you first decided to start a family, what was your plan?

7.8 Million women in the U.S. have an impaired ability to get pregnant.

During our second year of trying to conceive, I began to see an OBGYN for infertility treatment. She began with the determination that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and immediately prescribed medication. I had a renewed sense of hope when I left her office that day. I thought we had found the solution and that I would soon become pregnant.

About six months passed, and I still had not conceived. The next step was to undergo an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram), a procedure in which dye is injected into the reproductive system, and then an X-ray machine is used to look for any blockages or abnormalities in the fallopian tubes and ovaries. The test revealed nothing out of the ordinary. Everything appeared to be functioning properly. Though this news should have been a relief, it was honestly frustrating. In my mind, if a problem had been found, perhaps it could have been corrected and I could get pregnant. To not be able to conceive when everything appears to be normal seemed to me to be the worst prognosis. There was no specific cause to my infertility, I just WAS.

What, if any, fertility treatments have you tried?
Has any specific cause been linked to your infertility?

Understanding God’s View of Infertility

About this time, I really began to search the Scriptures for answers to my infertility. I had always trusted Him, but I felt as though He was letting me down somehow. My biggest question was:

 “Why did He give me this powerful desire to have a child, but deny me the ability?”

 I wrestled with this question constantly, as I was sure many had before me. I thought about Sarah, the wife of Abraham and mother of Isaac. She was 90 years old before she finally held a newborn in her arms. Sarah was probably married to Abraham when she was about 13 years of age. That means she waited 77 years—past all hope—for the fulfillment of her deepest longing. Surely, she understood the inner turmoil I was feeling. Surely she too had asked over and over the same questions I had. Surely she too had felt at some point during those long 77 years that God had forgotten about her.

                Had He forgotten me? 

In your own experience, what questions have you most frequently wrestled with?

Do you sometimes feel that God has forgotten you?

I knew enough of my God to know that He would never leave me nor forsake me. But sometimes, connecting this thought from the head to the heart can prove difficult. Slowly I began to realize that in asking what I was asking, what I was really bringing in to question was the very goodness of God.

Was it God’s ultimate plan for me to be barren? No. He created women to bring forth life. He promised the children of Israel that if they would follow Him and keep His commands that none of them would be barren or miscarry. No barren woman in the Bible who cried out to Him was ever denied. It was clear from Scripture that God’s desire is for every woman to bring forth life.

 Life is, after all, the very hallmark of God.

The Lord remembers us and will bless us. Psalm 115:4

When sin entered the world through Adam and Eve, death came along with it. Where once there was only life and joy, now mankind, through its own sinful nature, must endure heartache and death. Infertility is a result of man’s choice to reject the perfect law of the Creator, and follow his own will.

Infertility is not a part of God’s plan for His people.

Jesus said: “I have come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).  God is the author and giver of life. He breathed into each of us the breath of life at the moment of our conception. It is He alone that creates and brings forth life, and it is to Him alone that we should turn in our time of need.

What are your own personal views on infertility?
Do you believe that infertility is not God’s plan for His children?

For with [God] is the fountain of life… Psalm 36:9

It is important as we proceed in this study that we first understand some key points:

1. God loves you.
This is the first and most important point. God does love YOU. I will be the first to admit that when you are walking through infertility and miscarriage, it doesn’t really seem like He even knows you exist, much less loves you, but despite our personal feelings, the fact remains that He does indeed love you.

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God”   Ephesians 3:17-19
 
2.  God has a plan for your life.
And it isn’t for you to spend the rest of your life in hopeless longing for a child. In the midst of a broken heart, it is difficult to recognize that God saw every day of your life before you were even conceived.
           
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Psalms 139:16
 
That is both a comforting and sometimes conflicting thought. It is easy to conclude that if God knew everything that was going to happen to you, then He planned for us to have these heartaches. But the very nature of God tells us that isn’t the case.

"’For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.’” Jeremiah 29:11

God’s plan for our life is one only of good. It is a plan of hope. What changed? We did. We all sin. It is, unfortunately, in our nature from birth. When we chose to live apart from the perfect ways of God, we also chose to live apart from His perfect plan.

The point is that God’s plan for our life is one of two options we can choose from. The other is to follow our own path, apart from Him, and try to make some good on our own. There are hundreds of examples in the Bible that show us just how well this works out for people. Turn again to Sarah. She grew weary and tired of waiting, so she deviated from the path and made her own. This detour resulted in generations of violence and strife that are still being played out to this day.

When we surrender to God and seek after Him, we open the door for His perfect will to be done in our life.
3. You are not alone in this.
Not only has the Creator promised to never leave you or forsake you, you are here now with a group of women who are traveling the same road you are. Infertility and miscarriage are very isolating conditions. They can make you feel as though you are fundamentally flawed, utterly different than other women, and leave you feeling completely alone. The truth is you are not. Just look back at the statistic on the first page of this section. 7.3 million other women are feeling exactly what you are now. One of the fundamental purposes of this study is to get women like you linked up to a support system of others who can empathize, not just sympathize, with you. There may be times when you don’t feel like being linked, when you just want to curl up into a ball and hide yourself from everyone. I know, I was there; but those are the times when you need it the most.

             “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
 As you learn to heal and overcome the inner turmoil you feel right now, you will hopefully make yourself available to others who are just beginning their journey.

4. Your situation is not hopeless.
Even if you are dealing with a complete loss of fertility, that burning desire within you to hold a child of your own is not a lost cause. That longing for a child was placed inside you by your Creator Himself, and it was not a cruel trick (as I sometimes accused Him of). As we discussed earlier, He had a plan the moment He placed it inside of you, you just have to discover it. Believe it or not, some women have no desire to be mother, and I believe that was no mistake. In a later lesson, we will discuss other ways to fulfilling the longing of your heart, and you may be surprised to learn that you can do so without having to spend a dime!
Our God is the author of hope, and without Him, we are left to despair. The Scriptures tell us repeatedly to put our hope in Him, and that is exactly what we will learn to do. We will not put our hope in doctors or medical procedures which are fallible, but in the one, true, infallible God.

           “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.”  Psalm 62:5

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint”. Isaiah 40:31
 

5. You need to change your focus.
I saved this point for last for two reasons: first, it’s the most critical point to achieving success, and, second, well, because it’s going to be a tough pill to swallow. At the risk of bristling those little hairs on the back of your neck, I’m just going to say it: you’ve got to stop focusing on yourself and your situation. When you walk through anything so personally tragic as infertility and miscarriage, it is the natural reaction to turn all eyes inward; to become self-focused; to become—dare I say it—obsessed with your misfortune. It’s not intentional by any means. It just comes naturally to our flesh. And it’s terribly, terribly destructive—not only to yourself, but to your marriage and all your other relationships.

                Infertility is not your identity. Let me say it again.

                 Infertility is not your identity.

The sooner you grasp hold of that, the better. It is true that you are experiencing a season in your life that is difficult to walk through. I will not deny you that, but it does not have to define who you are. We will delve deeper into this in a later lesson, but for now, mull over that thought, and take a good, introspective look at how infertility has changed you.

    “For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.” Colossians 3:3
                

 

This Week…
          Take the time to really think over these questions and answer them truthfully. You can only get out of this time what you are willing to put in. Being willing to be honest and transparent is the only way you can achieve the healing and answers you’re looking for. Remember, God knows the innermost thoughts of your heart, and nothing is hidden from Him. Ask Him, and He will help you see the truth.

1.   Make a short list of what your goals are for this study. Write down what you feel are the most important keys to your healing.

2.   What do you think your number one obstacle is going to be to achieving your goals?

3.   Of the five key points mentioned, which one(s) do you think you struggle with the most and why?

4.   How do you want to see yourself a year from now?

5.   In what ways do you think infertility has changed you?

6.   Using a concordance or other tool, find one verse that applies to the key point(s) you mentioned in question 3. Choose a Scripture that you felt particularly spoke to you on the subject. The idea of this exercise is to learn to seek out God’s voice in these matters, so don’t just write down the first verse you come across. Really listen for Him to speak to your heart.