Lesson 1

Lesson 1: Understanding Infertility

Like most couples, when my husband and I were first married, we excitedly made plans for our future together. Among those plans, inevitably, was when we would start our family. It was important to us even at our young age (I was 20 when we were married) that I be able to stay home and take care of the children rather than place them in daycare. We also knew that we wanted a few years to cultivate our own relationship before we added the dynamic of children. At that point, everything seemed so cut and dry—we would give it about five years, then we would have three children about two years apart. That was our perfect, fail-proof plan.

Five years came and went, and at last we determined we were financially and emotionally ready to become parents. I remember the first month we decided we were going to try to get pregnant. It was exciting. I kept thinking of what it would be like to tell my husband I was going to give him a child, to tell our parents they were going to be grandparents; I began to think about how I would decorate the nursery, what hospital I would use, which pediatrician the baby would see… all the typical things a couple starting a family think about.

I knew that first month that the chances of conceiving right away were slim. I had resigned myself to the fact that it would probably take three or four months. But as three months turned into six, then nine, then a year, I began to feel the first twinges of despair.

 When you first decided to start a family, what was your plan?

7.8 Million women in the U.S. have an impaired ability to get pregnant.

During our second year of trying to conceive, I began to see an OBGYN for infertility treatment. She began with the determination that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and immediately prescribed medication. I had a renewed sense of hope when I left her office that day. I thought we had found the solution and that I would soon become pregnant.

About six months passed, and I still had not conceived. The next step was to undergo an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram), a procedure in which dye is injected into the reproductive system, and then an X-ray machine is used to look for any blockages or abnormalities in the fallopian tubes and ovaries. The test revealed nothing out of the ordinary. Everything appeared to be functioning properly. Though this news should have been a relief, it was honestly frustrating. In my mind, if a problem had been found, perhaps it could have been corrected and I could get pregnant. To not be able to conceive when everything appears to be normal seemed to me to be the worst prognosis. There was no specific cause to my infertility, I just WAS.

What, if any, fertility treatments have you tried?
Has any specific cause been linked to your infertility?

Understanding God’s View of Infertility

About this time, I really began to search the Scriptures for answers to my infertility. I had always trusted Him, but I felt as though He was letting me down somehow. My biggest question was:

 “Why did He give me this powerful desire to have a child, but deny me the ability?”

 I wrestled with this question constantly, as I was sure many had before me. I thought about Sarah, the wife of Abraham and mother of Isaac. She was 90 years old before she finally held a newborn in her arms. Sarah was probably married to Abraham when she was about 13 years of age. That means she waited 77 years—past all hope—for the fulfillment of her deepest longing. Surely, she understood the inner turmoil I was feeling. Surely she too had asked over and over the same questions I had. Surely she too had felt at some point during those long 77 years that God had forgotten about her.

                Had He forgotten me? 

In your own experience, what questions have you most frequently wrestled with?

Do you sometimes feel that God has forgotten you?

I knew enough of my God to know that He would never leave me nor forsake me. But sometimes, connecting this thought from the head to the heart can prove difficult. Slowly I began to realize that in asking what I was asking, what I was really bringing in to question was the very goodness of God.

Was it God’s ultimate plan for me to be barren? No. He created women to bring forth life. He promised the children of Israel that if they would follow Him and keep His commands that none of them would be barren or miscarry. No barren woman in the Bible who cried out to Him was ever denied. It was clear from Scripture that God’s desire is for every woman to bring forth life.

 Life is, after all, the very hallmark of God.

The Lord remembers us and will bless us. Psalm 115:4

When sin entered the world through Adam and Eve, death came along with it. Where once there was only life and joy, now mankind, through its own sinful nature, must endure heartache and death. Infertility is a result of man’s choice to reject the perfect law of the Creator, and follow his own will.

Infertility is not a part of God’s plan for His people.

Jesus said: “I have come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).  God is the author and giver of life. He breathed into each of us the breath of life at the moment of our conception. It is He alone that creates and brings forth life, and it is to Him alone that we should turn in our time of need.

What are your own personal views on infertility?
Do you believe that infertility is not God’s plan for His children?

For with [God] is the fountain of life… Psalm 36:9

It is important as we proceed in this study that we first understand some key points:

1. God loves you.
This is the first and most important point. God does love YOU. I will be the first to admit that when you are walking through infertility and miscarriage, it doesn’t really seem like He even knows you exist, much less loves you, but despite our personal feelings, the fact remains that He does indeed love you.

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God”   Ephesians 3:17-19
 
2.  God has a plan for your life.
And it isn’t for you to spend the rest of your life in hopeless longing for a child. In the midst of a broken heart, it is difficult to recognize that God saw every day of your life before you were even conceived.
           
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Psalms 139:16
 
That is both a comforting and sometimes conflicting thought. It is easy to conclude that if God knew everything that was going to happen to you, then He planned for us to have these heartaches. But the very nature of God tells us that isn’t the case.

"’For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.’” Jeremiah 29:11

God’s plan for our life is one only of good. It is a plan of hope. What changed? We did. We all sin. It is, unfortunately, in our nature from birth. When we chose to live apart from the perfect ways of God, we also chose to live apart from His perfect plan.

The point is that God’s plan for our life is one of two options we can choose from. The other is to follow our own path, apart from Him, and try to make some good on our own. There are hundreds of examples in the Bible that show us just how well this works out for people. Turn again to Sarah. She grew weary and tired of waiting, so she deviated from the path and made her own. This detour resulted in generations of violence and strife that are still being played out to this day.

When we surrender to God and seek after Him, we open the door for His perfect will to be done in our life.
3. You are not alone in this.
Not only has the Creator promised to never leave you or forsake you, you are here now with a group of women who are traveling the same road you are. Infertility and miscarriage are very isolating conditions. They can make you feel as though you are fundamentally flawed, utterly different than other women, and leave you feeling completely alone. The truth is you are not. Just look back at the statistic on the first page of this section. 7.3 million other women are feeling exactly what you are now. One of the fundamental purposes of this study is to get women like you linked up to a support system of others who can empathize, not just sympathize, with you. There may be times when you don’t feel like being linked, when you just want to curl up into a ball and hide yourself from everyone. I know, I was there; but those are the times when you need it the most.

             “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
 As you learn to heal and overcome the inner turmoil you feel right now, you will hopefully make yourself available to others who are just beginning their journey.

4. Your situation is not hopeless.
Even if you are dealing with a complete loss of fertility, that burning desire within you to hold a child of your own is not a lost cause. That longing for a child was placed inside you by your Creator Himself, and it was not a cruel trick (as I sometimes accused Him of). As we discussed earlier, He had a plan the moment He placed it inside of you, you just have to discover it. Believe it or not, some women have no desire to be mother, and I believe that was no mistake. In a later lesson, we will discuss other ways to fulfilling the longing of your heart, and you may be surprised to learn that you can do so without having to spend a dime!
Our God is the author of hope, and without Him, we are left to despair. The Scriptures tell us repeatedly to put our hope in Him, and that is exactly what we will learn to do. We will not put our hope in doctors or medical procedures which are fallible, but in the one, true, infallible God.

           “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.”  Psalm 62:5

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint”. Isaiah 40:31
 

5. You need to change your focus.
I saved this point for last for two reasons: first, it’s the most critical point to achieving success, and, second, well, because it’s going to be a tough pill to swallow. At the risk of bristling those little hairs on the back of your neck, I’m just going to say it: you’ve got to stop focusing on yourself and your situation. When you walk through anything so personally tragic as infertility and miscarriage, it is the natural reaction to turn all eyes inward; to become self-focused; to become—dare I say it—obsessed with your misfortune. It’s not intentional by any means. It just comes naturally to our flesh. And it’s terribly, terribly destructive—not only to yourself, but to your marriage and all your other relationships.

                Infertility is not your identity. Let me say it again.

                 Infertility is not your identity.

The sooner you grasp hold of that, the better. It is true that you are experiencing a season in your life that is difficult to walk through. I will not deny you that, but it does not have to define who you are. We will delve deeper into this in a later lesson, but for now, mull over that thought, and take a good, introspective look at how infertility has changed you.

    “For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.” Colossians 3:3
                

 

This Week…
          Take the time to really think over these questions and answer them truthfully. You can only get out of this time what you are willing to put in. Being willing to be honest and transparent is the only way you can achieve the healing and answers you’re looking for. Remember, God knows the innermost thoughts of your heart, and nothing is hidden from Him. Ask Him, and He will help you see the truth.

1.   Make a short list of what your goals are for this study. Write down what you feel are the most important keys to your healing.

2.   What do you think your number one obstacle is going to be to achieving your goals?

3.   Of the five key points mentioned, which one(s) do you think you struggle with the most and why?

4.   How do you want to see yourself a year from now?

5.   In what ways do you think infertility has changed you?

6.   Using a concordance or other tool, find one verse that applies to the key point(s) you mentioned in question 3. Choose a Scripture that you felt particularly spoke to you on the subject. The idea of this exercise is to learn to seek out God’s voice in these matters, so don’t just write down the first verse you come across. Really listen for Him to speak to your heart.